Fishful Thinking [SM] brought to you by Goldfish ®

Kids Site | Email a Friend | Press Corner | Contact Us

Question:
We are moving next month to a new town and my 3 children (ages 7, 9 and 12) will be leaving behind all their friends they've spent their childhood with. They will be starting a new school. While I really believe they will love our new home and community once they've settled in, I expect this to be a rough time for us all. How can I help them through this transition?

Pam, mom of 3

Answer

Moving to a new neighborhood and school is stressful for children (and their parents). When families move, children often feel a wide range of emotions: anger that they are being forced to leave behind their house, friends, neighborhood and school; sadness over the many losses the change brings; anxiety about what it will be like in the new home, school and making new friends; excitement about the change. All of these emotions (and moving quickly from one to another) are normal and expected. So, the first step in helping your children to navigate the transition is to give them plenty of time and space to share what they are feeling. Ask about how they are feeling and don't be surprised if what you hear changes hour to hour, day to day. Ask often and be prepared to listen: not advise, not cheer, just listen.

I stress listening because sometimes when our children are feeling upset our instinct is to cheer them up, perhaps by pointing out all the great things about the new house or school. There will be time for you to switch into problem solving mode, but if we do that too soon, it can backfire. Unfortunately, despite our good intentions, often our cheery pep talks communicate to our children that we don't think it's okay for them to be angry, sad or anxious and that message will make it harder for them to be honest about what they are feeling. And to further complicate the issue, you might be feeling guilty about "doing this" to your child. Because of your guilt, you will be even more motivated to highlight all the great things about the move.

Here are a few ideas to help your child through the "before and after" of the move.

Before You Move

Make a My Home scrapbook

When we moved (just 4 blocks, mind you), my mother made a scrapbook of our old house for the kids. It had pictures of all the rooms and the kids liked looking through it to remember the house and how they had their rooms set up. Even though we walk by the house often, they still miss it, and we use the album as a way to share fun stories about our experiences in their first home. Your children might enjoy making the album with you — if not, you can do it yourself and give it to them as a moving gift.

Have a Good-bye Event

Marking the move with an event — like a party, special dinner, camp-out in the backyard — can help children cope with the experience. Together, you and your children can design the event. Some children might like a big party with friends and neighbors, others might like to keep it small and quiet — there is no wrong way to do this. The goal is to design an experience together that resonates with your children and gives them the opportunity to formally mark the move from the old house to the new house (We knew that the family moving into our house had a 2 year old boy, so my kids decided it would be fun to leave him surprises — drawings, small gifts — in various spots around the house).

After You Move:

Get together with Friends

If the distance that you are moving is manageable, it can be helpful to children to have a date on the calendar when they will have their friends over. Don't wait until you are totally unpacked! Kids need a sense of continuity, so making sure their friends come over (and maybe help decorate their bedroom) will help your children to know that their important relationships can continue.

Don't Rush Friend Making

Sometimes parents rush their children into making new friends and this often feels overwhelming for the child. If your child is gregarious and connects with other kids easily, go ahead and invite him to bring a friend from his new school home. If your child is more introverted and takes longer to form relationships, respect her pacing. Rather than push her to invite friends over, ask her to share with you stories about her new classmates: Who seems nice? Who seems helpful? Who did she have a positive vibe from? This shouldn't feel like you are peppering her with questions, but rather by showing your curiosity and giving your child the opportunity to share stories with you, you are helping her to begin to figure out who she'd like to know better.

Expect Moodiness and Spend More Time

Some children are moody after the move — and for good reason. Their life has dramatically changed and they had little if any say in it. Be patient. You will likely be stressed too, and may be distracted by a huge "to do" list, so it will be easy for you to snap at your kids or to be so focused on other things that they get less of your time and attention. Make sure you set aside time each day to give your children your attention. They need you now, not after your lives are back in order! Plan some fun family activities that help acquaint your family with the new neighborhood and most important, plan some down time where you all get to just hang out and breathe!

Question:
Every day, my 10 year old comes home and, after a break, goes into her room to start her homework. Inevitably, after just a few minutes, she comes out looking defeated and says, "I don't get it." When I ask her specifically what she doesn't get, she starts to get upset, saying, "I don't get any of it." She gets very sad and often cries. Then she starts to blame anyone she can think of: her brother for bothering her, her teacher for not teaching the lesson in class (which I know she does!) or me for not helping her properly. I believe that she is looking to blame others when she is really just down on herself.

Sarah, mother of 2

Answer

Your intuition about your daughter sounds right to me. The first step is to just listen and not try to cheer her up or talk her into another point of view. Often what our kids most need from us is our empathy. So, next time, rather than asking her to get more specific about what she isn't getting, simply say something like, "That must be horrible. I remember feeling totally lost sometimes when I was in school, and I just wanted to give up completely." Try to connect with her around her feeling of hopelessness and give her the chance to explore with you how she is feeling about school and her strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes parents worry that getting into all of that will make it worse, but it actually helps make things better.

After your daughter has had a chance to share her feelings with you, then you can move into problem solving (you might even find that just by listening to her and not trying to cheer her up, she feels able to move forward on her own). You don't have to point out that she is blaming others — that will likely make her feel defensive. Instead, ask her what she needs to make things a bit better. It might be that she needs a longer break before starting homework. Some kids need a couple of hours to unwind before they have the energy to tackle another chunk of work. It also might be that she is upset by one subject more than the others. It might work better for her if she starts with the homework she most enjoys and saves the homework that she least enjoys for last — some early positive experiences will make it easier for her to continue. Help her to see that you have faith in her ability to figure things out. Of course, you want her to know that you are willing and happy to help, but sometimes when we offer solutions we inadvertently send the message that we don't believe our children are capable of finding solutions themselves.

If the situation persists, take some time on a weekend, when she is not focused on homework, to talk with her about it. Tell her that you want to better understand how she is feeling and what she is going through and to help her through it. It is often more productive to have these conversations when your child is not in the thick of it-and when you have more distance as well. You can ask your child how she wants you to help her when she is feeling frustrated and down. You can work with her to list, as specifically as possible, what she is feeling upset about. Often these quieter, calmer conversations are much more productive than the in-the-heat-of-the-moment ones!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Read articles from the experts