You remind me of watching my son Jacob play soccer when he was young. Most of the kids were chasing after the ball and there he was meandering around, looking up at the clouds, straightening the cones when they got knocked over, sometimes chasing after the ball. My first thought was, "Okay, he's never going to be an athlete," and I was worried. With some reflection, I realized this was about me, not him. I cared about him doing well in sports and he didn't. For him, playing soccer wasn't about winning or losing it was about having fun, being on the field, being part of the team — that's what mattered to him. What worries you about your children's lack of disappointment over losing? What do you think this means about them and what it will portend for their future?

I think one of the greatest losses we experience as we get older is the loss of the joy of the process. We stop doing things we love just because we love them and focus instead on doing just those things we do best. That's a real loss. I stopped playing the clarinet in the 5th grade — even though I loved it — because I didn't think I was good enough. I never would have become a concert clarinetist, but I would have enjoyed making music. Your kids' attitude sounds wonderful to me. I wish I had more of it myself.

As you can't help but be aware that in our culture beauty is one size (and it hardly fits anyone). So one thing you can do is to reclaim the word beautiful. One of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen was an old woman — she must have been 80 or so. Her face was deeply wrinkled and slightly hidden behind some of the folds on her skin were the most beautiful, riveting, expressive brown eyes. I go out of my way to point out beauty in all its forms to my children — faces, trees, muddy rivers. I'm not suggesting that this alone is going to buffer your daughter against all the messages and images we consume about beauty, but it is a start. You can also work with your daughter to develop an appreciation of herself — her talents, passions, strengths — her physical appearance is just one aspect of who she is. Explore with her what she enjoys about her body — not simply its appearance, but what it can do. Can she climb trees? Kick balls far? Run fast? Probably the most important way to . help your daughter is simply to give her the space to express how she is feeling with you. Every child, at some point, is going to not fit in. Every child is going to be teased, is going to fail, is going to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We can't protect our children from that. But, we can help them when they are feeling embarrassed or different or bad about themselves by letting them know that we are interested in how they are feeling and that we want to hear about it — even when what they are feeling isn't happy.